You can’t be both a mom and a coach

I coached swimming at the same high school I attended for almost 10 years. I learned a few years in that the girls succeeded significantly more when we upped team bonding, added more opportunities for small group discussions, let our captains have more control, had more fun, learned to slow down and do the basics really well. And they also still did a whole lot of hard work. I helped to build up a team where hard work was an expectation from lane mates because every person matters. Because it didn’t matter if you were “JV” or “Varsity.” It mattered that you were apart of the team as a whole and everyone was excited for best times and higher placements no matter where they fell speed wise on the spectrum. Life events and Covid happened and I ended my time there and moved a couple hours away. After living in the new town for a little while I saw a job listing for head coach of girls swimming for the the high school right down the street. Amazing, I thought. Location is perfect and the school has a history of success. Applied, interviewed, got the job! I met my assistant coach and diving coach prior to the season starting and they are both the most wonderful people. I was filled in during my interview process as well as meeting the coaches that there had been a lot of coaching turnover the last couple years. And both were crazy situations. I didn’t know the extent of it until I started, but I was walking into a very divided team. During Covid the JV and Varsity squads were separated the whole season. Most of them didn’t even know each other. First order of business was to do away with separate practices. I can fit 40 girls in an 8 lane 25 yard pool. I was working with 35 in a 6 lane previously! After two weeks a lengthy email to the AD. “The elite swimmers need to be separated.” “They aren’t being challenged enough.” “She doesn’t know what she’s doing because she came from a town that’s not historically elite in swimming.” “I know someone else applied and you should have hired them.” My top athlete quit as her club coach recruited her to swim only club for her junior year. The AD “supported” me by telling me to separate my JV and varsity. I didn’t. I know how to write a successful season plan for my swimmers of all abilities. And it can be done together as a team. I was expected to choose sides from events that happened with the previous coach and choose swimmers for events based on things that were just hearsay to me. All season I was told by parents what I was doing wrong. From two weeks until the end. It all filtered down to the girls and many didn’t like me. I knew it but smiled and cheered them on anyway. At Sectionals we had a freshman miss the state cut by a fraction of a second. She posted awful things about me on Snapchat. I went in the bathroom and cried and then came out and smiled and wished everyone well after a great season. I came back the next year. I was pregnant and everyone was so nice to me. My top athlete came back and she had a lot of success. I still had a lot of issues and ups and downs but wow, being pregnant really changes things for people. Leading up to my third season many parents knew I would be bringing my baby to some practices. We were a couple hours away from family and my husband works. I’ve always known most coaches to bring their kids to practices sometimes. There was a new AD and he seemed great, very nice. I felt like we were getting closer to moving past a lot of team issues because we had a lot of successful performances the previous year which is what the parents wanted. First day was great, I had the baby set up with toys in the play pen and then I wore him in a carrier and he slept most of the practice. The second day as the girls were warming up the AD comes in. He tells me a parent has emailed the superintendent that I have my baby at practice and there’s no way I could be paying attention to the swimmers when my baby is there. AD says he thinks it’s good to have it as a family environment. Principal and superintendent say that I can’t have him at practices anymore. I tell them I have to quit. They make me stay for a couple weeks to transition the assistant coach to the head position but in reality I was only at a couple practices because I wasn’t allowed to bring the baby. I still gave my whole season plan, helped build the meet database, made templates, left notes on how to run equipment and many other things. I was available all season for any questions. I still cared. When I had to tell the girls I was leaving, I was honest. I didn’t call out the parent by name but I mentioned emails to athletic directors and superintendents and feeling cut down. I told them that I have to go be a mom. I cried. They already knew who did it. There is so much more that happened throughout my time there. The worst I’ve ever been bullied was in my 30’s by other adults. It’s a story I think many high school coaches know. Administration is scared to upset parents so they’ll do whatever to make them happy. Instead of supporting their coaches I don’t think the girls know I still follow their swimming. I still cheer them on. I have two kids now and I don’t think I’ll ever go back to coaching. It broke me in a way I didn’t know was possible.