Stories from
the deck.

“What to do? I have been competitively swimming since 6. Our high school swim team was not great until my twin sister and I joined the team freshman year. At regionals (where our team qualifies for state) I qualified for two individual events and swam in the 400 free relay at regionals. On Monday my coach pulls me aside and says that I will not be on the relay and another girl (who had a slower time, who the coach deemed “worked really hard,” paid for private lessons in the summer from her husband, was a senior) was going to swim instead. She didn’t really give me a reason to why I didn’t get to swim. Wouldn’t it make the most sense to have the fastest on the relay. It really threw me off for state I didn’t do as well as I could have. I never felt valued as one of the coaches swimmers. What would you have done?”

Being taken off that relay probably hurt a lot, especially when you didn’t get a clear explanation. It makes sense that it affected your confidence going into state. You cared about your team and wanted to feel that your coach recognized what you brought to it. Generally, putting together the fastest relay makes sense. There can be other considerations, but I can’t know what drove this decision or whether the private lessons played a role. Regardless, you deserved a clear, respectful explanation, and it would be reasonable to ask: “What went into the relay decision, and what criteria did you use?” But what I most want you to hear is this: your coach decides the relay lineup. She does not decide your value. You qualified for two individual events at state. You put years into this sport. Those accomplishments belong to you, regardless of whether she acknowledged them. If something like this happens again, give yourself some space to feel disappointed and talk it through with someone you trust. Having someone listen and help you sort through those feelings before state can help you return your attention to your own races and what you want from that experience. You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt or work through it alone. You can also ask yourself what you need in that moment. If you need reassurance, remind yourself of the work you’ve put in. If you need to feel valued, recognize what you bring to your team and the people around you. It’s okay to want encouragement from your coach, but you can also practice giving yourself that encouragement, too. You have so much more power than you think. Your coaches approval doesn’t have to be the thing that makes you believe in yourself. Your effort, your pride in your progress, and your love for swimming can still belong to you.